Tag Archives: Thoughts

Time to face reality.

by Prudence Muzenda | Uludağ University, Turkey
I smiled back to my mum as she waved goodbye.  “What a determined girl.” She must have said to herself.  It had became her everyday routine to stand by the gate as l walked towards the bus stop. “Don’t think too much.” She’d always say. “One day it will come through”. Smiling was like a gift that the Almighty had given me before he even knew what l was going to become. I smiled a lot despite the second world that I lived through in my head. It was only a few days after l had finished high school and my world seemed as if another. I had passed the whole lot of 6 years in someone’s care. If not the matrons’ it was my parent’s. I had  had a couple of friends who made up “the squad” and was popular in school. Life was too easy. After getting a few cerevitas and maputiprobably a  little mazoe that was it! I would spent 3 months at my second home smiling all term long. I was an A student and loved what l studied. I was the type that my mum would put in a lecture for 3 to 4 hours if l had a B in whatsoever class. I’d later cry and assure her passes the next term. Like l said before, life was very easy…
I stood by the bus stop as l waited for the kombi (commuter omnibus) that I was sure would pass in no time. It had been almost 2weeks since I had started this daily routine to the internet café. There was no Wi-Fi back home  and the Econet data services were expensive for all I wanted to research on. Frankly  I had had no whatsoever intentions to study in my country as I felt the type of area I wanted to specialise in wanted a little bit of abroad knowledge and meeting other nationalities. It was true. Since I finished my O levels I knew the commercial sector was the one. Studying economics or actuarial sciences could not escape my mind. Something close to what would help me help my own country. I was passionate about it, but my mum had made it clear that she had other kids and could not fully fund my school abroad. It was expensive. It was then that l decided to look for a scholarship or any sort of funding henceforth me waking up everyday to the internet café. I had researched enough and realized it was not easy to secure anything… But I did not give up. All I wanted was to gain knowledge abroad, relate with other nationalities  and get exposed. With this thought in mind , I never gave up. It was at this moment  that l realised life  was not what it looked like in the past six years. We used to get the pocket money, used to get majiggies, maLays and all the other sweet nothings. It all meant money. I realized  that my parents had used so much on me. How hard it was to be a parent, I thought to myself…

As you move on with life ask yourself the three questions , Who am l? Where am I going? and How do l get there?

 
Days passed and I continued with my routine but still got nothing. It was only then I decided to apply to countries that had low tuition than what l had aimed before. I would later on work there to help pay if the worst came or I would apply for scholarships when l got there l thought to myself. The idea helped, I got somewhere. “I will work for my pocket money as l wait mum.” I told her, putting up the smile that seemed to attract her so much since l had known her. She had agreed to the idea. I was excited! I had secured a place and I was going to FINALLY stop my daily routine and start a new one, look for a job. This way I could convince her l was planning for my life. Of course the routine continued, well this time with a different agenda, a job. I was going to work for 8months as I would wait for the next year to start school.. It was hard securing something but I knew it would help me in  a lot of ways. I was not a child anymore, l smiled to myself. The fact that I could make my own CV and speak to a manager professionally. I felt it. I felt all grown .
After days and days of trying, I was eventually invited to an interview by the OK supermarket in the city centre. I was excited how things were going as planned. I was going to save up all the money and get a new start abroad. I could not wait. While l celebrated my invitation another thought came to my head. I realized working as a shopkeeper would bring me to the spotlight. I mean I would have to meet everyone around, from everywhere and no soon they would spread rumours back in high school that one of the “cool squad gangers” was now working as a shopkeeper. I couldn’t face that . I mean it was too much for me. After a long linger of the thought in my mind I finally settled to what l could say then was the best. “I can’t take the job mum”. I said to her trying to put up a face that wasn’t accepting many questions. “I’m sure the other places l applied to will respond too. There’s no need to rush. I will let this one pass”. Shocked with this abrupt decision, “why would that be? Had something happened?” She asked inquisitively. Frankly speaking, nothing had happened I later on explained to her my reasons. It was then that for the first time in my life at 18 I sat with my mother and got a life lecture. All the other times had been because of the school report and others were done not exactly thorough than this had been done.
“People sleep  long and wish they could still sleep so that they see well their dreams and they do not want to wake up because they don’t want to face reality. Boldly speaking you have been leaving in a world that was not yours. All your life has had people with a great influence on it. Technically speaking you have not done anything for yourself so far. It has always been someone. You have been trapped in a bunch of high school circles that were probably not even a hint of your life circles. You have been having biology, history and geography classes but those were not life lessons. They are the theoretical aspect of life and not the realistic. You have not learnt anything if you still cant do anything because of the world and its thoughts.  You have not woken up to face reality. Life itself is not a bed of roses. You will meet people, who stay and go, but from all of them you should learn something . You’ll be accepted and in some cases and be casted in some but believe me you that is just life and what it has to offer. Some will come to waste your time and some to create everlasting memories. Not everyone will care about you but at least everyone will pretend to. You have been asking for money all the time, you have asked for school grocery top ups and so forth but now you will have to make budgets yourself and make life decisions yourself. ‘The Squad’ you want to protect will probably not be your top friends in a few years to come.  Where you go, I will not be there anymore. In some days you shall find no friend at all to talk to and in some instances everyone will go beyond your back , that’s the reality of life. You shall have sleepless nights and have a lot of undone things when the time is already past , that again is normal with life. Don’t panic! You have to start being focused and write up your dreams and achieve them. Time will not wait for you, you need to start thinking outside the box. All that any man achieves and all that any man fails to achieve is a great impact of their thoughts. Your thinking and actions will have an effect on your life. In some instances you will have to wait until you cannot wait no more. In some cases again not waiting will be worth the risk. I understand your way of thinking right now but remember the biggest room in the world is the room for change. You will fail so many times and you will quit so many times but the person you want to become does not allow the word failure. Instead she sees failure as a stepping stone. To help her improve on what she has not done well. Like l said, the ball will be on your court. To look at it ,to throw it away or to use it.. Think deeply and do not be fooled howsoever. As you move on with life ask yourself the three questions , Who am l? Where am I going? and How do l get there?.These should be the three fundamental questions to your life. Even when you get held back rise and look up to the three questions. Have a clear view of your destination. As the “I”suggests in the  three questions, its only YOU involved and no one else. Do not be fooled by the world and want to please them, it is your life. Take a lead on it!  Forget the cocoon you have grown in all these years. Think about you, your road and how you will get there. Don’t let anything stop you…”

For a moment I was stuck. I hardly moved. It was as if a thousand pieces of sharp daggers had crawled through my spine.. The talk had been real and scary. It was my time to look up to myself because no one else would. It was time to face reality!!!!!!

Originally posted on Prud’s personal blog>> https://prudmuzenda.wordpress.com
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Mfana Graduate — The Lens Blur.

 

Its well past after the hour of 9 in the morning and there I am in bed. I try to act if I am sleeping but consciously I am wide awake, feeding my brain with what I want to dream.

via Mfana Graduate. — The Lens Blur.

It’s been almost a year now since I graduated and this has been my daily routine now, and even accustomed myself to be time ignorant. ‘Around 10’ I say to myself in my laziness. I reluctantly open my eyes as I sleep on my back. My eyes meet the aligned timber trusses on the roof. My eyes quickly get drawn in my absent-mind and get focused on that little hole on the asbestos which sends through the beam of light straight to the age of my bed. In my contemplation my mind start thinking how that little hole gives me trouble during the rainy season that I will be forced to rearrange the room so the water from the roof does not wet my bed. Quickly I snap out of it, bringing myself back to reality. It is awfully quiet outside, all the kids are at school obviously. I drag myself out of the bed and reach out to the light switch near the door. ‘Click, click’ I switch on and off the light. “Better kune magetsi” (Good, there is electricity), I mumble to myself with a slight grin on the edge of my lips. As I say this, my head is all now engrossed on the idea that I will spend the rest of my day binge watching the TV series I got on the disc from a friend next door. Quickly I put on my slippers and get out of my room.

*****

I walk out of the house now heading kumashops (grocery shops). As I walk past a group of 4 boys of my age sitting on what is now only left visible as the remains of what used to be a small bridge on the edge of the streets. “Mfana graduate” a voice emanates from the 4 and the other 2 crack in laughter. I force a little smile from my lips and I raise a thumbs up to the boys on the bridge. ‘Mfana graduate’ as it seems, is now my nickname. For those who want to be subtle they cut it short to ‘graduate’. Like they say, the nicknames that you hate most are the ones that stick. Well I did not care anymore. As I draw past them, the other one shouts, “ko chimbondisiirawo 5 bond”. I turn and shaking my head respond faintly, “wangu, pakaipa apana mari”. He nods and they quickly get back to their business, with what looked like the other boy was selecting the good marbles in his hands and throwing away the bad ones. I pay no attention to detail and I just keep on walking.

*****

It seems like a long walk of shame to the shops alone. In a flash a chubby boy of the age of 6 or 7 ran past me, in what seems like they are playing a game of chasing each other. I quickly turn my head to look behind me and other 4 boys of the same age, with untucked uniforms, the other 2 with shoes in their hands, are running chasing the boy who just passed me. All break in laughter in pure joy in their little game as it seems. I break into their joy and ask, “ko sei musiri kuchikoro?”, the so-seems-talkative one snaps at me and sharply answer, “tadzingwa”. They seem not to care less that they are out of school right now as they are so caught up in the moment of their play right now, or does it ever cross their mind what not being in school means anyway? A memory comes to me, those days I was still that age and never cared for anything, attending the nearby council primary school and spent most of the times playing and just being a child. How I miss that. With that thought, subconsciously my mind then links that to the image I saw posted on our class WhatsApp group from university, it read “DO NOT GROW UP, IT’S A TRAP” in that jiffy I manage to just laugh at myself. What an irony!

*****

In that moment a loud hooter horns followed by a shout “town here? Town mota! town Coppacabana! Town yakuzara mota! mukuenda here akoma?” In my awakening I realise a commuter minibus going up and down the road looking for passengers going to town.“Mukuenda here akoma?” the boy standing at the door of the commuter minibus shouts again now looking in my direction. I check behind me, looking maybe there was someone he was referring to. But no. There was only me in the proximity. I realise he was asking me if I was going to town, and I shake my head sideways then he shouts“zvinotooneka kuti hamusikuenda kutown, nedzapata ramakapfeka iro akoma” the few passengers in the minibus crack up to the joke, which also made me crack up on my own as I walk past the minibus too.

*****

“Aaah graduate urisei”, William shouts sitting behind the newspaper stall. I can sense the sarcasm in the tone but I just play along, “zvirisei vakomana” I reply. William, profoundly known by many as Widzo or Baba Tanaka, almost the same age as me but now has a child turning 3 this year. Widzo and I shared the same primary school and grew up together. He now runs an array of stalls at the grocery shopping mall, from the newspapers, airtime, discs and even vegetables. He is an ‘accomplished’ person and commands awe from the people around his stalls whom mostly have vegetables but their sales are not as high as how Widzo sells each day. In that light he has managed to cater for his small family that he even moved his wife and child from his family house and now rents a one room in the same high density surbub. I go straight to Widzo and we have a fist hand shake – ‘big up’ they call it. He opens a space for me to reach out the newspaper on the stall and I begin to browse through. “So what is being said in the papers today, graduate…”, another man who has a stall of tomatoes next to Widzo’s interrupts me. “#ThisFlag yanyarara ka?” (#ThisFlag have gone quiet now?) he adds on inquisitively before I could even gather what to respond to his first question. Before I could even talk in the wake of it all, it seems like all hell let loose as everyone on the stalls throwing their views to the question.

 

“Haa Pastor aida kudya mari dzedu uya”

“…saka chii chakuitika manje zvaarikunzi akaenda America?”

“isu sema vendor tinofanira kuenda kumarch nekuti kanzuru yatinyanyira”

 

Men and women around the stalls simultaneously talk in what seems like a whole episode of questions without answers and no one is even cares or heed to answer what the other asked. The debate goes on and on that they do not even notice my bids of farewell as I take my way back home.

In that moment as walk back home, I was in deep thoughts. So is this really going to be my life? Is this how I will have to be like for the rest of my life? These are some of the questions which scares every fibre in me and I try hard to evade from confronting myself with the realities of it. Ever since I graduated, no matter how many times I try applying to all the advertised positions I am academically qualified for in the newspaper, I still haven’t got a job yet. It’s past a year now and still nothing seems to be changing or is there going to be any change? I draw myself into more questions again. Is it going to be any better for you graduate?

*****